Dialects of love

Love can be expressed in dialects. In his book "The Noticer," Andy Andrews talks about the four major dialects the we use to make us convey and feel that we are loved.

Dialects of Love

1 approval – hearing spoken words of approval make the people who thrive on this dialect feel loved. Take the puppy dog. Tell a puppy how wonderful he is and his entire body wages with delight. Futhermore, how do you teach a puppy most effectively? With praise, of course. “That’s a good boy” or “What a good doggie” goes far in the training process. However, a word of caution to those who love someone with this dialect, nothing is more devastating than words of disapproval. Looking back to the puppy, puppies cower when they are under attack. People who obtain their love in the dialect of approval will do the same.

2 favors and deeds – these people feel love based purely on favors and deeds. They can’t be touched. And who knows if they even hear you. They don’t want nor need your affirmation. And honestly, they don’t really care if your there or not, so quality time is unimportant to them. But they do feel love when you do things for them. The goldfish is a prime example of this dialect. The goldfishes basic desire is that you feed them and clean their bowl.

3 physical contact – simple as a pat on the back or complex as a sexual relationship a brief back rub, a hug, a kiss are all common forms of this dialect. Those who speak this dialect tend to feel most loved when affection is expressed in this form. Often it’s the only way they feel loved. Consider them to be like a cat. Cats are creatures of physical contact. They basically feed themselves. They don’t pay attention to what you say or do. Don’t even think about calling one cuz they’re not going to come. Cats just want to be scratched and rubbed. That’s how they feel love. A cat will rub up against you as if they are saying “touch me, pet me”. Some people are the same way.

4 quality time – these people don’t want to be touched or caressed, have something done for them or hear that they’re loved. They just want time with you. They want periods of your undivided attention. They want to listen about the details of their day, dreams and concerns. Canaries are a good example of the dialect of quality time. They don’t notice whether you give them food or water. The most certainly don’t need to be touched. Canaries are happiest when you sit near them and listen to their song. If a canary is ignored it will surely die. It won’t succumb to death because of lack of food, but from lack of love and attention.

There are various combinations and subgroups of these dialects. Which do you resonate with? Even more so, are you recognizing which dialect those you love and care about resonate with so you can love them better?